Ten Years

I was going to write what I am going to write today back in September on our 10th anniversary.  (Do your anniversaries still add up even though you haven't seen him in almost 2 years? :o)

Anyhow.  The 28th of September was our 10th (and last I might add) anniversary. 

Tomorrow is our divorce.

I'm not really sad over it.  I know I should be.  And I probably would be if my situation was different.  How can I mourn a marriage that was over before it started and how can I lament over his broken vows when I haven't seen him in so long. 

Anyhow.

What I wanted to write about a month ago, but never found the words, is a warning to all my young readers.

I'll tell you what I told a young teenaged girl a few years ago.

"Don't date ANYONE you wouldn't be willing to marry."

(Right 'E.S.'?...Love you and hope to see you soon!)

I'm sure this sounds ridiculous, but trust me. 

I had met 'R' shortly before my dad died, but didn't pay him much attention.  He was just a face in the crowd.  The night my dad died, he stepped out of that crowd and promised me the world.  I had no plans of dating him or other future plans.  In fact, I had no future plans of living so I just started hanging around him. He kept money on the bar and that is what I wanted at the time. Pathetic? Yep. Wrong? Yep.  But its what happened.

Days led to weeks and weeks led to months.  I was miserable...too depressed to even carry out my plan of my own suicide...I couldn't see living without my dad and had plans to eventually follow his lead.  But I just kept putting it off and kept drinking.  Not the wisest choices.

Fast forward from March '01 to September '02.  Somehow, seeming like a blink of an eye, it was the morning of my wedding.  I remember walking down the aisle thinking "What.on.earth.am.I.doing? How did I get here?"  I just didn't see anyway out.

That morning 'R' had screamed at me over wedding pictures. It was over the phone, so no one heard, and I just sweetly smiled during the conversation. I had already learned how to fake a smile.

At the altar I couldn't even look him in the eyes.  I was scanning the crowd around the gazebo in the park, looking for someone I could escape to.  No one was there.  

Once Riley was born things actually were good for awhile.  The first year was great.  I was surprised and happy.  I thought there was a slight chance we might actually make it as a family.

Then came babies 2 and 3 and I think it was just too much for him to handle.  He was not capable of faking being a good husband and father with three little ones.  He eventually started back into drugs.  Started with pills, then cocaine, and who knows what else.

From there most of you know the rest of the story.

I'm writing this post with the intent of  begging young girls (and guys) to be so very careful who you date or associate with.

I realize that my story had so many complications and issues that most of you won't face. 

But if you can't see them with you, at 80, sitting on your front porch swing holding your hand, then don't date them.

I hope this saves a thousand girls' from abusive relationships.  And if you are already in one, you CAN get out.  You can escape, you can survive without them, you can defeat their chains of abuse, and you will rise above it.  You don't need to be strong, because God will be strong for you. Just be safe.  I know that fear all too well.  

Tomorrow as I sit in divorce court, breaking that final chain off, I won't mourn my choices anymore.  I will embrace them.  Instead of hating myself for it, I will choose to tell others about it, warn young girls about how the choices they make as teens will affect them as adults.

I'll close with one thing....pray, pray, pray about who you are to be with.  Even before that first date.  God made you and God made them.  He knows you better than you do and He knows them better than they (or you:o) do.  He knows what you need and He knows what they need. 

I knew I was going against God when I married Randy and I paid the price.  I'm just thankful God is willing to help me pick up the pieces and create beauty out of ashes.

Something interesting to consider...

I heard this thought today:

"While God is capable to perform any miracle He chooses, sometimes He needs someone to give just a little."

Like the little boy who gave a little lunch of loaves and fishes.

Maybe if we all started giving just a little, the doors for more miracles could be opened.

I fight the battle of "if its not big, its not worth giving." 

I needed to hear this today.

All I need to do is to brighten the corner where I was placed.  

Sometimes God only needs us to give just a little so He can make it big and we won't doubt where it came from.

Just something to consider...

She's That Kind of Friend

She’s that kind of friend that you know, without ever doubting, that is a direct gift from God. 

The kind of friend who will sit with you and pray with you while you both cry. 

The kind of friend who is your kindred spirit.

She’s the kind of friend where you think of her every.single.day but don’t get to spend much time with. 

Because both of you are fighting the same battles:

Single mom

Children

Working

College

Life

*******

But she’s that friend you can call, day or night, who will always understand.

*******

Today is that friend’s birthday. 

I wish I could get her:

A deed to a huge home

A maid to take care of it for her.

A personal caretaker

To make sure she takes care of herself

 

And who pampers her.

I want to give her:

More hours in the day.

Strength to get through her day.

But all I can give her is my friendship.

And many prayers.

******

I’ll back track to the beginning. 

In April, of 2010, I was having an extremely difficult time with life. 

Not going to get into it, but I was pretty close to either giving up or running away.

It was bad.

One evening, I really needed out of the house.  I took the children to a park.  One where I knew I could sit and read my Bible while the kids played.  

Now I know that God wanted me at that park, that night, at that time.

I was sitting on a bench, crying, and reading Philippians.  I looked over and saw a beautiful woman pushing her child on the swings.  It was as though a magnet pulled me to her.  My face was still tear stained and I wasn’t exactly in the right place emotionally to meet people.  I started to turn away and I heard God say “She has something for you. And you have something for her.” 

Little did I know how big that would one day become. 

I still think I have only tasted a glimpse of how deep that statement will someday mean.

I walked over to the swings and sat down.  I started with small talk, which was most likely ridiculous. 

She asked me about my faith and my beliefs.  She told me bits and pieces of her story and how she had become a Christian a few years back and how much she was enjoying growing in her faith.  We had so many of the same thoughts and convictions.  She asked me where I was reading in Scripture and I started to share with her what I had read, and why it meant so much.  I opened up and shared that things were really, really tough.

We exchanged numbers and that night she came over and we spent time visiting. We both agreed this was a bit odd, for her to just come over that night, but it seemed that God really was pushing us to form a deep friendship.  Soon it became our habit to meet once a week and pray together.  I miss those nights and those moments.  She became an anchor in my life and carried me through some really tough times.

Unfortunately life is rough.  And some hard, difficult and painful things have come into her life.  I haven’t been the anchor that she was for me.  I haven’t been there physically, I don’t make as many phone calls I should make, and I don’t do enough for her.  But I hope she knows that I am there, anytime at any moment and would drop and run to her.  I can give her compassion and understanding when others may not fully understand.  I can give her my friendship and my love.

This friend of mine is amazing.  I’m not going to disclose her pain and her trials. Trust that she has triumphed over so much. And she always gives the glory to God.  Please, please pray for this strong woman.  God knows her by name; He knows her struggles, disappointments and fears.  He knows her needs.   Please pray that she can remain physically and emotionally strong; to work, and go to school, and take care of her incredible children.  Being a single mom is absolutely physically and emotionally draining, in ways that others will never understand.

It’s her birthday today.  I want to hand her all her hopes and dreams on a silver platter.  I want to wipe away all the tears she has shed and the tears of her children.

 But I’m not the one who can do that. 

Instead, I’m giving her prayers.  And asking you to give her yours as well.

Happy Birthday, Nina!  I love you with all my heart. You continue to amaze me with your courage and your strength.  We both had no idea that spring evening all those years ago what God meant when He told me

“She has something for you. And you have something for her.”  

And I think that we are just starting to see God’s plan for our friendship!    

One more paper for him to sign...

I wasn't planning on writing about this certain predicament I am in. 

But I'm going to.  Only because I seriously and most desperately need your prayers.

As you all know, the children and I are in the process of changing our last names back to my maiden name.  Everything has gone smoothly and actually faster than first anticipated.

Then the lawyer emailed me and said that if Randy shows up to court (on the 30th) and signs acknowledgement that the children's names will be changed, then we don't need that second hearing.  If he doesn't show up (or if he shows up and fights the change) then we will have the second hearing to prove that it is in the best interest of the children to change it.

I'm not worried about proving its right and good for the children.  Their dad has not attempted to see them in over 18 months. 

What I would like to avoid is the extra cost it will take to have that second hearing.  And not just monetary.  The stress and anxiety in my life is at its max and can't go much higher.

Also, I would be free to move once the hearing is completed.  I would love to let the children finish the semester here, with a sense of closure.  Then start up after taking a week off for settling in.  I would also be on a school break at that time.

However, if there is a second hearing required, it will put me further into January and yet another month would be wasted.

Randy was served papers, but has not acknowledged them.  Therefore, this first hearing will be considered uncontested (for my name change). 

About 2 weeks ago, I decided to mail him a personal letter.  I don't have his phone number (he changed it so I couldn't contact him) so I could only mail him a quick note requesting he see my attorney for papers to sign.

Of course he didn't contact the lawyer to go in and sign.

This morning I sent another letter, asking him to see my lawyer or at least show up to court. 

I'm sure it sounds ridiculous to do that, but I needed to at least attempt.

I've been praying and begging God to turn Randy's heart and have him sign the papers. 

But I feel so alone and isolated in these prayers. 

That is why I am asking you to pray.  Pray that Randy will either go sign the papers before the court (ideal so I don't have to see him face to face in court) or that he will show up on the 30th and be agreeable.

This may be personal and maybe too open; but I have been witness to so many miracles that were fruits of your prayers. 

So I'm asking again.

Please pray that Randy will sign these papers. 

Where's my toaster?

It took a week, but I found my way out from behind all the boxes.

 (For those of you who were worried that I was stuck in a box, locked in my storage unit, or just simply fell off the moving truck...I know...I haven't posted in awhile).

We moved on a Thursday night and it went late, late, late into the night.  So much physical work and so much emotions from that night still linger.  I have much to write about, memories I want to preserve, but I am still pondering over it. 

Anyhow, once I had all my boxes and furniture moved into the apartment, I realized we had a problem.  I had a ton of work to do.

Friday night my mom kept my kiddos and my friend, Diane, came over to help.  I decided it would be fun to grill steaks and have baked potatoes.  After they were done cooking, I realized we had a problem.  All I had was paper plates, and steak on a paper plate just doesn't work.  (I am keeping my dinner plates packed).  I thought for a minute and then improvised.  Glass casserole dishes would work.  And it did.  I just wish I had a picture of it.

I was planning on unpacking most of what I kept out of storage, but after all that packing and moving I decided to re-evaluate the situation and make a new plan.  I'm using the next few months to repack for the big move; taking the time to really organize better. 

10 days of living in a much smaller place has proved to be great.  In all honesty, I was concerned how it would go.  This apartment is very nice, just very small for a mom and three active kiddos. ;o)  But it is working.  In ways I couldn't have imagined.  I came here with the attitude of  "its just a few months" to change it to "I love it here. I can totally make this work and be fun." 

The biggest problem (and not highly tragic) was that I lost my toaster. 

It wasn't the lost toaster that concerned me as much as the concern of my lost mind.

When I left N. Second St. the kitchen was totally empty. 

And I went through every single box, repacking some for storage.

This morning (after 10 days) I finally decided that I would go to a thrift store and spend $1 rather than tear apart my entire storage unit. 

Mentioning this to the friend who helped me unpack my kitchen, she said "I think you put it in your cupboard above the stove."

Sure enough, I get home and there it was. 

Now I'm even more concerned. 

Where did I pack my brain?

Help! Can you see me? I'm right here...behind this box!

Quick update:

There are boxes.

All over my house.

Everywhere.

But that's great! 

Move out date is in 2 days.

I look around

and panic.

So much to do.

Then I think what all is completed.

And everyone who is scheduled to help.

And I relax.

'Cause I know I'll be fine.

Then I think.

In a few months

(after this legal junk)

I'll be moving again.

But. I'll be moving home.

And that brings new butterflies.

Not of anxiety.

But of excitement.

I've waited almost 20 years for this to happen.

And it finally is.

God is so amazingly.wonderfully.awesomely.good.

Now if I could just find my way out from behind these boxes :-)