To: Randy

Randy,

This may or may not be appropriate to write you a letter on my blog for the world to see.  However, I'm going to do it anyhow.  For one reason: I will control my anger towards you a bit more than if I was saying this to your face.  And it needs to be said.

I also realize most likely you will never read this.  I don't really care at this point.

But how dare you make my little girl cry. 

I went to check on her after I tucked her in tonight.  She was silently weeping.  I crawled into bed next to her and she said she felt weird. 

I asked her if it was her head, her tummy, her back, if she was over tired, etc. 

She said 'no. I think its my heart. Its lonely.'

I didn't want to bring YOU up.  You have hurt her so much and if she wasn't thinking about YOU, I wasn't going to add it to her aching heart.

But the tears kept coming and she kept saying she was lonely, but didn't know for what.

I finally whispered in her ear. "Are you lonely for your daddy".

The tears poured out of her little eyes then.

She nodded a 'yes' and squeezed her eyes so tight.  Trying to keep the tears in. But they flowed down her cheeks.

When she could finally talk she said "Its been so long, almost a year since I saw him.  I just miss him so bad."

I understand the ache in her heart.  I miss my dad too.  But he died.  You are choosing to stay away.  You live less than five miles away.  But you choose daily to avoid your children.

In the end they will be much better without you. They are already better off without you.  You have hurt them, confused them, and abandoned them. You don't deserve these kids.  You have the most amazing kids.ever. and you chose to walk away.

I don't care about how you hurt me.  I don't hurt anymore.  But when my children cry over how you hurt them, continue to hurt them. It angers me more than you want to know. 

They know you don't send any money for them.  They know you would rather take care of your own needs and addictions.  I know you are refusing to give me money as punishment to me.  But its not me being punished; its them. 

Someday you will get your due.  Whether it is on earth or in eternity.  God is the father to the fatherless and it angers Him when His little children are hurt and His wrath is poured upon those who hurt His little children. 

I've probably already said too much.  And I have so much more to say.  But I can't say it here, so I won't.

~jm

Six-Week Bran Muffins

In attempts at being a better mother, I made fresh bran muffins for the kiddos to grab for breakfast.  This week we have been doing horrid and they have been eating nasty-sugary cereal. 

Time to get back on track.

These bran muffins are my favorite to make.  For two reasons. 

One: They are the softest, yummiest, most delicious bran muffin. Ever.  It doesn't have that harsh fiber taste but a sweet tang.  My kiddos love them.

Two: The batter keeps for six weeks in the refrigerator.  Which is awesome.  I can whip up a dozen at a time and not feel overwhelmed with another mess. 

Six-Week Bran Muffins:

• One cup boiling water (I put it in the microwave for a few minutes) and add one cup of Bran Flakes.  Stir well and let cool. Ends up an icky looking paste:

• Cream 1/2 cup butter, 1 1/2 cups sugar, 2 eggs, and 2 cups buttermilk.  Add cooled wet bran mixture. 

 {*Tip* If you don't have buttermilk, simply pour 1-2 tsp of vinegar in measuring cup and add milk to measure the full 2 cups.}

•  Add 2 1/2 cups flour, 2 1/2 tsp baking soda, 1/2 tsp salt.

{*Tip*  Recipes usually suggest sifting together the dry ingredients separately before adding to wet.  I sometimes do this and sometimes skip it.  I haven't noticed a difference in the outcome.  I prefer to skip it...one less bowl to wash.}

• Gently fold in 2 cups of Bran Flakes just until wet.  Fill muffin liners 2/3 full and place in muffin tin.
• Bake at 400 degrees for 15-20 minutes. 

I only bake one dozen at a time.  The remaining batter can be stored in an air tight container in the refrigerator for up to six weeks.  I will put a generic label on the container so I remember when the expiration date is. 

We never make it to the date...the muffins are so yummy they are baked and gobbled up within days.

• Remove from tin and let cool on a wire rack.

Enjoy!

*This morning went as planned.  The kids got themselves up.  Got dressed in the clothes we had laid out for them and then ate the muffins I had sitting out.  And me?  I got a few extra minutes of sleep.  Mission accomplished.

An attempt at something 'crafty' and I must say I didn't do too bad...

I am the most un-crafty person I know.  I can get an idea in my head but can never can get my hands to do what my brain is imagining.  I can make a cookie with the best of 'em, but crafts?glue?cutting? Completely out of my league!

When Rhianna brought me this magazine:

I wasn't sure if I should even try.

She wanted me to make the tent.  I hated to tell her that I was incapable of doing something this simple.   

I read the instructions and it looked like something that even I could pull off.

I bought a fun colored table cloth at a cheap discount store while she was at school in hopes I could somehow manage this.

We made it home and decided to start our project.

First we found a sturdy piece of cardboard:

And cut it to the desired size.

We then added tacky glue:

Or I added tacky glue (there is no way I'm letting a little girlie get a hold of this stuff:o)

(Make sure you use plastic gloves.  This stuff is nasty sticky....perfect for my project.)

We placed the table cloth (print side up) over the glue covered cardboard.

I flipped the board over and cut the excess cloth:



I drizzled more glue around the edges and glued down the extra cloth for a finished look.

To keep the 'tent' upright, the magazine suggested a wooden stick of sorts.  I searched around the house and had nothing similar.

I brainstormed a bit and got creative. (This is where I usually go wrong and screw up the whole thing:o)

I had some fishing line and thought tying a string tightly through each side would make it secure.  Obviously this is a high tripping risk.  I warned Rhianna to not let her dolls trip on it. 

IT WORKED! 

Believe it or not, but my string trick worked.  It also allows for it to collapse for easy storage. 

Even Kirsten agrees it is a great tent!

There is a ton of extra cloth.  Rhianna is requesting sleeping bags.  I just might try and make some sleeping bags out of the extra cloth.  Could be fun!



My Favorite Things: I think I'm telling myself something

It's been awhile since I have done a 'my favorite things' post.

A few weeks ago, a few things popped in my head that were my FAVORITE things.

Notice a theme?

Heated mattress pad.  Need I say more?

My silk pillowcase.  I work hard during the day.  At night I want to sleep on silk like a princess :o)

My favorite blanket. Ever.  My mother in law made this for me years ago.  Small tears are finding their way in the seams from years of use.  I cannot sleep without my special blanket; so soft and comforting.

And finally coffee.  Chocolate swirl with chocolate caramel creamer.  This is a favorite thing because I rarely get to enjoy the previous three items :o)

Uncertainty

I was recently told, from a very wise man, that uncertainty is the worst of all stresses.

Uncertainty is the theme of the past year of my life.

I hadn't realized how the uncertainty of the move was affecting me physically and mentally.

Until this afternoon.

I laid down for a quick nap this afternoon.

When I awoke a bit later, I was confused. 

My mind was running overtime.

I hardly recognized the room I was in.

And wasn't sure where I was.

I could not decipher where I was or what place in time.

I started to panic.

Was I in my house in Ohio?

Was I in my new home in Connecticut?

If I wasn't in my new home, what was taking so long and why wasn't I there?

And if I was in my new home, how did I get there?

After a moment, I woke completely.

Then the comment of uncertainty came flooding back.

And I realized that it was affecting me more than I realized.

Bottom line...

Something has got to give.  And soon. 

'Cause I'm starting to lose my mind.

Thirty-Two

Today I am Thirty-Two.

I was dreading this day. 

I always thought by the time I was Thirty-Two I would have my life together...all figured out.

Instead, I am a single mom of three children, going to school, working, trying to move out of state, etc.

My life is the exact opposite of 'together' and 'all-figured out'.

I had been really struggling with this.

Then I spoke with a friend who is a bit older and a lot wiser.

Her comments were "A woman in her thirties is having an inner battle.  She knows she has her responsibilities, but also still knows there is a girl inside of her who reminds her of her youth that is now past."

That comment made such sense to me.  It summed up the feelings I was having.

I know I have responsibilities.  I juggle work, school, kids, selling a house, looking for a job, a cookie shop, etc. etc. and so forth. 

I know responsibilities.

But what I couldn't shake off was the feeling of still wanting to be a girl.  To be carefree, fun loving and imaginative.  I have so many regrets from my twenties. And this only makes growing older harder.

I can only weep when I think of the consequences I now have from my choices.

But I decided that I wasn't going to let the girl inside of me die.  The stress of my life very well could destroy her. 

But I'm not going to let that happen.

• I like to sit on my roof and stare at the moon.  Sometimes I'll treat myself to a hot drink. And just sit and stare.  Often I pray.  Or I talk out loud to no one in particular.  It's so peaceful and serene. 

One thing I appreciate about being in my thirties is that I quit caring what others think of me.  As long as I am at peace with God, I am no longer concerned what others think.  It is so freeing.  I wish I had that in my twenties. I am who I am, oddities and all.

• I do a cartwheel every week.  Just to make sure I still can.

Growing up, I knew a lady (who I thought at the time was old...she was probably late twenties) who could still do a cartwheel.  At a young age I was determined to be able to do when when I was old.  And I still can. Thankyouverymuch.

• I sing and dance with my kids.  Wooden spoons make great microphones.

There is nothing better than to bust out in song, slide across the wood floor, and dance with little kids.

• I have silly, giggly, secrets with my best girl.

We laugh without caring and until our stomachs hurt.  We have secrets and can read each others minds.  We poke fun and tease.  I can call her day or night.  For anything. 

• I want to take tap dance lessons.

But I probably won't get too. 

I was dreading this weekend.  I was dreading turning one year closer to mid-thirties and then onto my forties. 

I realize now the fear was unreasonable. 

I'm thankful to be alive.  I get to be a mom.  I get more chances to laugh.  I get more chances to help others. 

Instead of worrying about the girl in me dying away; I'm just going to nurture her and make sure she always stays alive.

JulseyMarie: Birthday Giveaway

In honor of my birthday this month I am doing a giveaway from my cookie shop JulseyMarie on Etsy. 

Actually, its not for honor.  Its to help me get through it.

This is the first year that I am dreading my birthday. 

I do not want to be 3_.   

To help me survive turning one year older I want to make someone else smile by giving them some cookies!

To enter simply tell me what your favorite cookie/item is from my shop (or give me suggestions for new products) in the comment section of this blog. 

Name will be drawn on February 7th and shipped on the 9th. 

Enjoy!