Back in the Batter's Box

My batting coach is kinda tough.

Tough love, I 'spose.

He's encouraging me to step out of the dugout and back into the batter's box.

He's asking me to start warming up and doing some practice swings.

He's not letting me sit on the bench and wait until I think I'm ready.

He tells me that will only make my swing rusty and weaken my muscles.

So I climb out of the security of the dugout.

I squint in the bright sunlight and take a few practice swings.

I can feel the old familiarity of the swing.   The rhythm is coming back.

 It feels comfortable, yet there is still the nagging feeling that my swing isn't quite right yet.

Not ready to go for the big hit.  But I can't sit and wait.

The only way to get that home run is to take chances.

To do my best and focus.

There may be a few more singles, doubles, or even a triple.

Even in my time in the dugout, my batting coach sat with me.  Coached me through my mistakes.  There can't be anymore strikeouts.  The occasional foul tip will be inevitable, but a swinging K is not acceptable.

I need to focus on the pitch, watch for timing, and use all my strength and swing.

I'm still in the batter's box.  I'm still stretching out through my lethargy.

Tomorrow I'm stepping back in the batter's box.  

This time with more focus and determination.

My time in the dugout was not wasted.  I learned something important and valuable.

We all have time in life where we sit in the dugout.  In the dark.  Where its cold and lonely.

But we can't sit for too long.  Bench warmers don't hit game winning runs.

We must pick ourselves up off the bench and walk back out and step back up to the plate.

That's what I'm doing.  I'm taking the risk.  But I'm back up to bat.

Baseball

Lately I've been struggling with a lack of direction in life.

I'm going to interrupt you before you say anything...

I know.  None of us really know where we are going in life.

But we all need goals and something to focus on.

At least I do.

And without clear direction, I get rather cranky.

***

Today I had some alone time. I had time to think.  If you know me at all, you know that to understand things that are hard to understand, I have to find an allegory.  Something that paints a clear picture.  Once I paint the picture, I can accept almost anything and move on from it.

It has taken me a few weeks to ponder on some recent events.  Some changes, some mistakes, some simple life learning.  Gather them all together and they have taken me to a rather low spot.  I wanted out of this funk and knew the only way out was to paint that picture, understand it, and move on.

I am understanding it with baseball.

***

I'm at bat and my goal is the home run.  To hit the perfect pitch, as hard as I can, and have it land successfully out of the park.

I have an amazing batting coach.  He tells me how to stand, how to find the perfect swing.  He reminds me to keep focused, to not give up.  He tells me that I am strong enough to hit the ball out of the park.  He gives me everything I need to be successful.  He can't do it for me, I need to do it for myself. 

I swing at bad pitches.  I maybe even miss some good ones.  I occasionally hit a single, double, or what even feels like a triple.  But I'm not hitting the home run, just yet.

Then there was the time when I struck out.

Swinging.

Eyes open, staring at the ball.

Knowing I was swinging at bad pitches, but swinging anyhow.  Trying to take a bad pitch and turn it into a home run.  Knowing it never works, but trying anyhow.

I go to my batting coach, head down, tears streaming down my face.  Instead of ridiculing me, he puts his arm around me and tells me its okay.  We all swing at bad pitches, but I have the choice...keep swinging wildly or refocus.  That no matter what I swing at, he will still love me and be there for me.  But he knows I am capable of refocusing and only swinging at the best pitches.  He knows that there is a pitch coming, eventually, that will give me my home run.  If only I focus and wait.  

Skip Day

It started a few years ago with Riley.

He was having a tough time with life in general.

And who could blame the kid?  Life right then was fairly tough.

I let him skip school.

To have a mommy day.

The only oops in the plan was the day that it happened was the same day as the school's open house.

That evening we went anyhow.

I told his teacher why he missed and why I let him.

I loved her response: "I think he needed a day with mom more than he needed my math lesson."

That is a great teacher.

The next year I let him do the same thing.

The teacher's response?

"I don't know what you did with him that day, but I have a different student.  Keep it up."

***
I've come to realize that in all the craziness our life offers, sometimes we just need a skip day.  A day to spend one on one.  Not doing anything overly exciting.  But just being together in the quietness of the day.

***

Today is Rhianna's skip day.

It wasn't planned (they never are).

This morning I went to moms to wake them up for school.  (I worked last night).

Rhianna woke up in a mood.  Not bad necessarily; just a mood.

I could tell she needed some mom time.

She asked for her skip day to be today. (They get only one a year).

I am off today so I saw no reason to say no.

I told her that it would be a busy day.

We would be working on packing then unpacking.

***

Having Skip Day as a tradition in our family has made a huge impact on my children as individuals.

Its a simple thing that makes for great changes.

Distorted

Ever have a day, week, month, time in your life, that you just feel overwhelmed, lost, and confused?

That's where I am right now.

I'm managing the odd work schedule; but its tough.

One nurse asked me today if I moved in.

She said "I left late yesterday and you were still here.  I came back today and you are here again....did you move in?"

I'm thankful for the job and the hours.

But with trying to move, it just makes things a little hairy.

I'll get through it.

I always do.

But whats really dragging me down is the lack of direction in my life.

For over 3 years I was so focused, so driven, so determined to succeed in moving east.

God was clear, I was focused.

No matter what obstacle; I worked through it.  Simply because I had a clear goal in mind.

Now?

I have no goal.

I have nothing to work towards.

I go to work.

I try to schedule in sleep.

I juggle kid stuff.

I do laundry.

Life is empty for me right now.

Rather bleak.

I'm thirty-three years old and I have no direction, no goal, nothing.

I'm alone.

Yet surrounded by too many people.

I'm fighting a lot of emotions.

Some are just caused by lack of normalcy in sleep.

Most are deep-rooted, painful emotions that I must fight through.

I'm a fighter.  I'll survive.  I'll beat this.

But it is hard

I'm fighting against emotions I don't have the energy to fight against and can't find a reason to fight against.

***
I realize to some I am talking in circles; riddles perhaps.

Fill in the blank with your own 'somethings' you are fighting against.  Are you fighting against something you don't have the energy to fight against?  But must fight against them anyhow?

Then you'll understand.

***

Haze of Crazy

I'm not sure why I'm surprised.

I should have expected this to happen.

When life gets busy, I should expect it to get busier.

When life brings change, I should expect even more to change.

Its good for me to be busy; and change isn't always bad.

Its just trying to see through the haze of crazy and trying to enjoy the ride.

***

It all started right around the same time I was interviewing for this job.

At the time I worked with a guy who had a brother who had a house which needed cleaned.

It was a rental.  One tenant moving out; another moving in.

When I cleaned it, I couldn't help thinking how perfect it was for us.

A small ranch, large kitchen, partially finished basement, great neighborhood, close to schools, etc.

I knew there was someone in line for it.  So I prayed "God, if this is where I am supposed to be; make it happen."  And then dropped it.

I told the owner that if the new tenant changed her mind or moved out soon or whatever to let me know.  I was interested.

And dropped it.

A few weeks later he called and said that she kept changing her mind about wanting it.  He was giving her a few more days and he would decide for her.  He needed to get it rented.

A week later he called.  It was mine if I wanted.

I did want.

He gave me the entire month of October to paint and move in.

Last time I moved I had 3 days.

A month?  That was great.

***

This past month, I have been painting in between work and sleep.

I've been slowing moving boxes.

This week is the final week to get everything moved.

I finally broke down and admitted weakness and had a friend help me finish up paint and then requested off a day to use to move the big stuff.

The painting is done (can't wait to take pics and show you.  SO MUCH FUN picking out new paint colors and design).

The moving in has started with great progress.

***

This house is almost a dream house.

Yep. Its small.

But it has everything I need and even a few things I want.

***

The past 2 months have been a whirlwind of change.  Some hard to take, some easy to handle.

I'm ready to leave my tiny apartment; but in some ways I'm sad.

It has served us well.  It kept us dry and warm and what more could we really ask for?

Happy Sweetest Day. Bah Humbug

Warning:  If you don't want to hear negative rantings, don't read any further.  Sometimes I use this blog to be uplifting (which I try) and other times I just have to write the honest truth about how I feel.  Sometimes its pretty; sometimes its ugly.  Today, I'm feeling kinda blunky.  Consider yourself warned.
************************
I realize Sweetest Day is just another day that a company created to increase profits.

Actually, if you look in the history of it,  Sweetest Day was actually created by a Northern Ohio company and is still only celebrated in Ohio.

Thanks.

So. much.

Its not about the lack of a card, or candy, or flowers.

It about the lack of someone there.

Its the fact that I'm not anyone's #1.

And most likely I won't ever be anyone's #1.

***

I know I have my kids.  And I love them and they love me.

But lets face the facts.  Kids aren't typically considerate, thankful, grateful or mindful of their mother's emotional needs.

And them being considerate, thankful, and grateful after they are reminded just doesn't cut it.

I know that our relationship will grow and become different as they get older.

But I want my kids to have their #1 person to be their spouse; not their mom.

(Nothing worse than a man who is still tied to his mama's apron strings).

***
All I'm saying is that being alone stinks.

There's no one to come home to, there's no one to say good morning to, there's no one to occasionally text through the day and ask how their day is and there is no one to answer that text.  There's no one to tell about something your kid did that was awesome,  there's no one to pick you up when you just can't do another day, there's no one to argue with, there's no one to tease, there's no one.

And knowing that there never will be anyone makes days like today hard.

Even if it is a ridiculous commercial holiday.
***

Can you do me a favor?

If you do have someone in your life who is your #1 and you are their #1, please tell them.

Forget the gushy cards, forget the expensive flowers, forget the gross chocolate covered cherries.

Just give them a hug and tell them how wonderful they are and how thankful you are you get to be their #1.

Silence

'K. So I've been silent for too long.  I apologize for that.

Many of my sweet readers have come to me and asked "So what's going on?  You just left us waiting!"

I'm finally ready to write...

And I finally have a minute to write.

Last post I wrote about getting a job here, in Ohio, at a hospital.

What I didn't write was everything else.

For now, I'm just going to plan on staying in Ohio.   Give up on the move to Connecticut.

The reason I haven't written about it here is that I'm still wrapping my mind around the idea.

I'm still a little anxious about the feedback I will get from others.

I'm a little irritated with myself for worrying about what others comments will be regarding things that are between God and myself.  I just have to remember what C.S. Lewis wrote in 'The Horse and His Boy' in a conversation between Aslan and Shasta.  Aslan told Shasta "Its not your story" when Shasta asked him about something that happened regards to someone else.  This is my journey.  Mine between God and myself.  There have been things that happened that I don't share.  Things that I simply ponder in my heart and keep close.  I know that there will be those who only know one piece of the story and will judge me.  That's fine.  But remember, its not your story to know all the details about...its mine.

****

I know without a doubt in my mind that God told me to move.  There have been entirely too many AMAZING things that have happened while I was mentally preparing to move.

I'm going to list a few things.  Not for proof for others, but as a reminder to myself.

The first amazing thing (and such a huge impact that if it were the ONLY thing it would still be worth it) is that I have a father-figure in my life again.  I lost my dad almost 13 years ago.  I needed a father-figure in my life.  Someone who will cheer me on, someone who will defend me. Someone that when I get to see them, I can't pretend things are good because he can see right through it, and calls me out on it. Someone who has told me that no matter what he will still love me.  Someone who tells me they worry about me like he does his own kids, and as much as I tell him to not worry, he still does.  
That's what I needed and that is what I now have.
That relationship would never have been built if I hadn't attempted to move.  And that relationship will last even though I don't move to New England.

The second thing is I probably wouldn't have changed our last name.  When I look back and remember that for months I couldn't decide if it was the right thing to do or not, it makes me laugh.  It now is so obvious that is was the absolute right thing to do.  I cannot begin to describe how healing it has been.  Even though its almost been a year since my name was changed (10 months for the kids), I still am in awe at how different we are. We are now 'us'.  We are our own family.  There are no missing pieces. We are just the four of us.

When I put my boys' football jerseys over their shoulder pads and I see the last name across their backs, it makes me smile.
Nothing can change that name.

No one can take that away from us. We will always be identified by something good.

The third thing is that I proved to myself I'm tough enough.  I've had labels put on me my entire life.  I've fought to have those labels removed, but no matter what some people like to keep those labels on me and refuse to see that they are false.  I know I will never change their perspective of me.  I will always be what the label reads that they chose to slap on me.  What I needed to change my perspective of me and not believe those labels put on by others are truth but a lie.

The moment my perspective changed was when I successfully survived four interviews in two hours. Sitting in a corner office, in a large building in an amazing company, in downtown Hartford.  After they were completed, I drove home the ten hours, with three kids, woke up early the next morning and went to work.  And I didn't mentally crack.

Some could argue and say it wasn't actual success because I didn't get either of the positions they were interviewing me for.  BUT.  I was given verbal job offers for both jobs.  It was HR who closed the positions.  I was okay when I was called and told both positions were closed.  It wasn't anything personal against me.  I believe God had me go through those to simply allow me to finally rip the labels others placed on me.

There are more things that happened.  I just wanted to hit the highlights and have record of them for myself when I get discouraged.

***

There is more to tell.

I'll write again soon.

Its my first 'day' to myself in weeks.  I start a different shift today, so I have a few hours to myself during the day.  The adjustment is going to be difficult on my kids and I worry about that.  But we will be okay.