I think that loneliness and regret are the two hardest emotions to deal with.
Loneliness can seep in and create a darkness that is suffocating. The silence, the emptiness, the ache for another human to be there can be painful. Physically painful. Loneliness is a hard emotion to handle. Loneliness is a hard emotion to live with.
Regret is just as painful. Only not the same. Regret causes tears, sorrow, questioning. Regret is a hard emotion to handle. Regret is a hard emotion to live with.
But combine the two? And life is almost unbearable. The weeping while questioning decisions that I made in my past haunt me. The sorrow that I feel in knowing how my decisions not only affect me but others as well. Namely my children.
Recently all my emotions came to a head. The loneliness was choking me and the regret of past choices was causing such a physical ache that I almost couldn't handle it.
I would cry myself to sleep. Then I would wake up with a sadness not knowing why...until I remembered. Then the crying would begin again. Throughout my day thoughts would come and go. And tears would suddenly swell in my eyes and trickle down my face at the memories.
My early twenties were the hardest years of my life. I had many things going against me. And through that I made some very poor choices. Choices I will regret until I die. Some choices may seem unmentionable. Yet I carry them within my heart everyday. Some choices I could give good excuses for. But in truth they are empty excuses. I have only myself to blame.
Through my decisions I have hurt many people, and some of these people are still hurting. Its hard to imagine when making decisions how that choice you make will affect that person and the rest of their life. Its hard to imagine when you are young how your choices will affect your future. And your children. My children beg me for a dad. Yet because of my bad choices they are without one.
If I could go back I would. The first thing I would do is to tell certain people how much I loved them and how much their presence in my life meant to me. Maybe it would have changed the course of time. And maybe not. Maybe some would still be alive. And maybe not.
While these thoughts of regret and loneliness have been swimming around in my head I have had healing. Through this healing I have come to understand that I may be suffering for the decisions now, but God can redeem. And in time I believe He will.