Friday, June 29, 2012


This afternoon I wanted a bit of quiet time with God.  I sent the kids upstairs and settled in my favorite chair with a cup of iced coffee.  

They were not quiet…*sigh

I wasn’t sure where to read.  The children and I have been reading in Genesis at bedtime and I had been slowly reading through Galations.  Something told me to flip to 1st Timothy and start there. 

As I was reading through the biography (written in the side notes) about Timothy the description of his relatives struck me.  It mentions his mother Eunice, his grandmother Lois, and briefly his father a Greek.  I’ve known this about Timothy but it never struck me before like it did today.

In 2nd Timothy it goes on to talk more about his grandmother and mother and the influence they had on Timothy.  It doesn’t mention much about his father; if he was present or not.  We do know that he was a Greek, not a Jew like Timothy’s mother.  The chapter gives the impression of the influence his maternal relatives had on Timothy.

Why is this so meaningful to me?

I have a fear that my children, especially my sons, will not have the understanding of how to be a man; let alone a Godly man.  But these books in the Bible clearly show that with the right amount of teachings, love, discipline, and prayer, a son who is raised in a home where there is a single mom does have a chance at making it. 

Maybe being raised by women, or influenced by women, is what made Timothy the excellent minister he was.  He was raised with compassion, understanding, and love.  

What else struck me was how in the letters to Timothy, Paul kept calling him ‘my son through faith’.  We can clearly read in these letters how Paul was instructing Timothy (and now us) how to become a better minister, a stronger Christian, a more effective follower of Christ.  Paul knew that Timothy needed encouragement, needed direction, and needed support.

We don’t know if Timothy’s father was around or not.  But we can guess by the scriptures that his father was not a religious influence on him.  Paul stepped up to the role of a spiritual father to help Timothy learn to be a Godly man.

I have had someone step up and become a spiritual father.  In all honesty, I’m not sure where I would be or what would have happened to me in the past 2 years had this man not taken on the role. 

It also gives me hope to know that while my children don’t have a father who is present, an adopted spiritual father can be as effective and possibly even more so. 

Maybe God had Timothy and his story planned for all the single moms who are raising boys; all the mothers who are trying to raise sons with a father who may be present in body, but is not present when it comes to spiritual matters.  Maybe these two small books of the Bible, which have so much wonderful instruction for all of us, also have encouragement for mothers written between the lines. 

Today has been a good day. But boys will be boys and they are ornery.  Some days I get weary with the constant energy, constant noise, constant taunting and teasing.  Some days I wonder how I will ever get them raised into men; men who are Godly and strong spiritually. 

Reading Timothy’s story gave me hope.    


I'm still alive.  Still breathing.  And somewhat still coping.

This past week has been much better.  Thanks for all the prayers.  They were truly felt.

Riley has settled down tremendously.  He had football camp this week.  Just a few hours every morning, but enough to burn off some energy.  He came home beaming the first morning.  The coach had told him he would do great as a cornerback and had natural abilities.  I'm not writing this to brag about my boy.  I'm writing this because my son had a man (not silly old mom) tell him that he was good at something.  And that was huge.  He felt capable, accepted, wanted, and needed.  This was good.

The house selling thing?  Well.  The one person who was very interested changed her mind last minute.  Not going to go into that.  The other person who was slightly interested could still be potentially interested.  Their realtor had an out of state emergency this week....etc. etc. and so forth.  However, enter person 'C'.  We had another showing and they loved it.  They just need to decide which town they want to live in.  If they choose Rittman; they want my house.  So its Rittman versus North Ridgeville. Who ever would have thought?? For the readers who are not from the area, North Ridgeville is a town about 45 minutes NW of Rittman...never once thought it as a competition.  Then again...I do seem to bring out the odd things.   We shall see how that plays out. 

As for a truck to haul:  Thanks to those who offered to help me.  You know who you are and God will bless you for your willingness to help! 

On the legal end: things are quiet.  For now.  Next week a certain person will be served.  We will see what excitement (read: drama) that brings. 

On the school end?  Still rough.  But. I am more than half way done with this class.  I'm still alive, still breathing, so I just might make it!  After this class I am down to 7 months and 5 classes!  I still have the Humanities to test out of...but I am looking into other options.  I just have to accept my limits. 

Work has been slow, being a seasonal thing.  So I was blessed with a few weeks off work.  I didn't see it as a blessing at the time (one more added stress). But two weeks into it I am seeing it as that.  My kids needed a few weeks of summer.  They needed time at home with me.  I have been trying to do extra fun things with them while I have the time off.  It has been such a blessing and a help for my stress level to be off for a time.

Last weekend the kids and I snuck away for the weekend.  We went to see some friends and cousins in Southern Ohio and then have a church service in the mountains of West Virginia.  It was the pause that refreshes.... 

This week we spent a day swimming at a friends house, we picked daisies and colored the stems.    We baked together and played together.   I'm looking forward to the next few weeks...of the little moments that really count. 

Riley and I had a chance to go on a bike ride together.  We spent an hour just riding side by side talking.  That night at bedtime I asked him his favorite part of the day.  He said 'riding bike and talking with you'.  Mind you this happened in the same day of football camp...  It made me realize that sometimes the kids just need quiet time with me. 

I can't wait for things to slow down; the stress to lift some and I can find some normalcy through it. Will that ever be??

Thanks again for your prayers.  We will pull through.  

Friday, June 22, 2012


I hope this post doesn't come across as complaining.  That is not my intent of this post.  My intent of this post is to find some relief from the tightness in my chest.  To release some of the frustration and anxiety.  If you don't want to hear frustration and anxiety...don't read any further.

School let out for the kids a few weeks ago.  I felt as though I was juggling the change fairly well.  This afternoon it all came crashing down.  I'm not sure what made it all fall, but the tightness in my chest returned and the feeling of slowly drowning into inky darkness appeared. 

If I was going to list the causes, I'm not sure which one would be first.  They all feel like they belong in the number one spot.  Each stress is fighting with the other to claim the role of number one.  The battle to be practically perfect in every way isn't helping things either.

I have 6 more classes until I have my bachelors.  The class I am in now is tough.  Tough as in I spent more time last week in the class then I did in the previous 5 weeks combined.  And that's just week one.

I'm testing out of Humanities.  Sounds fun, right?  Its not.  Thankfully, I have an awesome friend who lent me all the books I need and understands when I am ready to cry.  Studying literature, music, art and architecture just doesn't seem urgent right now...yet somehow it must be done.  

I just filed some legal things.  Things that will release so much stress when they are over.  In the meantime?  Worry.Fear.Wondering.  I have assurance from my lawyer that it will go smoothly, that I will win everything I am filing.  I feel peaceful about doing this, but still am afraid of the can of worms I could be potentially opening.  I need to leave this in God's hands and trust my lawyer.   In time I'll get into the legal stuff and explain more; for now the details need to be quiet.

I have two potential buyers.  One very interested and another slightly interested.  I have a few more projects to do to get it up to their satisfaction.  Doesn't seem like much but it is.  It will take time.  And time is something I am seriously lacking.  Along with a truck :-\...VW Jetta's aren't built for hauling things....

With the legal stuff and the house stuff combined it adds up to an interesting problem.  I want the house to sell of course; but I found out when I filed the legal stuff that I have to stay in the state until it is over.  Which could be in February or March...which means I'll have to find a place to rent.  Not too tragic, but its adding a bit of stress of the unknown to my kiddos...add that to the stress of the legal things I'm filing and they are a bit on edge. 

The kids are overwhelmed with stress too.  At least Riley is.  The last time he saw his dad (14 months ago) he was told that "he is now the man of the house, to take care of us".  That is too much for an 8 year old to handle.  Honestly?  I wanted to smack his dad when he said that.  I knew that comment would haunt Riley and would be a negative impact on his entire childhood.   A year later he still carries the burden. I have told him countless times that he is not to carry this burden.  That God is taking care of us and we have no worries!!  But because he is a child he doesn't react to stress well.  An adult will try and find a solution.  A child just acts out with bad behavior.  And its getting out of control.

14 months ago the kids saw their dad for the last time.  I had a feeling at the time that he was leaving for good, but the kids didn't.  I thought this past year they had been healing.  Now I realize they were hoping.  Just recently it has sunk in that he is not coming back.  The feeling of rejection and abandonment has finally sunk in.  With hope you can get through anything.  Hopelessness is a hard feeling to cope with. 

Hopelessness, abandonment, and rejection bring out the worst behavior in children.  I'm trying so hard to be patient.  By the grace of God, I hope I am showing my kids grace.  I'm walking the tightrope walk of giving my children mercy and discipline.  I can't let them get away with bad behavior...but if they are acting out because they are hurt then they need mercy and love.  I'm terrified if I go over that razor thin line I will mess them up for good.  Their dad has given them deep, deep scars.  They don't need even the slightest ones from their mom. 

I pray that this isn't coming across as complaining.  Its more a release from the tension. 

And a cry for prayers.