Friday, April 27, 2012

I'm trying to not be excited. But I'm failing. Miserably.

I signed a contract with a new realtor a week or so ago.  One that I think I should have used from day one.  I can't go back, I can only be thankful for the experiences and lessons I've learned in the meantime.


I've had two showings in a week.  I'm thankful for showings.  Showings=Potential Buyers.

However, showings also equal mad dash of cleaning, scrubbing, and making the house complete perfection. 

Perfectly organized cupboards. Perfectly made beds.  Perfect lines vacuumed in the carpets.  Perfect arrangments of flowers.  Perfect layout of furniture.  Perfect lines mowed in the yard.  Perfect flower beds with the perfect distribution of color.  Perfect. 

Perfection is something I can get carried away with. 

Just ask my kids. 

This whole 'selling my house' thing is driving me nutty.

Last night was the second showing of the week. 

My realtor called me and gave me the feedback from the other realtor. 

They had looked at 8 houses yesterday and narrowed it down to 2.

Mine was one of the two.

Heart pounding, hold your breath, stomach hurt. 

Trying not to be excited.

Trying not to get my hopes up. 

Trying to be patient.

Trying to be still and know that He is God.

But the butterflies are still there.

I'm still hopeful.

My mind wanders.  What if this is the one?

If so then soon I will be packing.

Soon I will be pounding the pavement looking for a job.

Soon I will be heading East. Towards home.

Soon I will be settling in my new cozy home.

But what if they choose the other house?

Then disappointment will settle in.

I'll get over the disappointment.

In time.

Please pray?


Pray that this is the one. 

Add to your prayer to heal my heart if they choose the other home. 

To protect my heart from the darkness of disappointment.

Just pray.


Sunday, April 22, 2012


I am homesick.
For home.

For a home that is not yet my home.

I ask myself: "Self. How can you be homesick for a place that has never been your home?"

I say back to myself "Self. I don't know. I just am."

Absurd? Maybe. But I'm still homesick. Stomach hurt. Heartache. Chest pains.  


I remember a few years ago, before I was making plans to move to New England  I saw a car with Connecticut license plates turn in front of me at the crossroad near our school. 

Tears starting streaming down my face.  I wanted to follow that car east, towards home. 

At the time I was surprised.  The tears took me off guard.  I hadn’t realized the desire to move was still there.  But it was.  At the time they were buried.  They had to be.  I had no hope of escaping the prison I was in.  Thankfully God rescued me from the prison of an abusive marriage and is giving me another chance to move home.   

I still cry with loneliness sometimes.  But now when they come I am not surprised as I was that morning.  I’m just heartsick.

I’m sure most people will think I am crazy and a bit odd for having these feelings.  Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.  Either way the feelings are still present.  I’m ready to go home.

I fight these feelings off and on. More recently more on than off.

I'm just ready to be home.

The other night Riley said "Mom. I hope tomorrow is the end of the world. I just can't wait to see Jesus."

His comment made me realize that I am homesick for the wrong place. I should have the same longing for my true home in heaven.

I do think of this at times, but not like I think of my home in Connecticut.

My heart is so lonely for the friends there who are my family, the special people who have stood by me through so much~advising through the big things and the little things, for the beautiful rolling hills and the fertile valleys.  I'm homesick for the rocky beaches.  I'm homesick for the cities and the traffic.  I'm just homesick for it all.

Why don't I think more of what is to come in heaven. When was the last time I thought "I just can't wait to see Jesus face to face"? I've become completely burdened with the day to day routine that I have become consumed.

Now my list differs a bit. I'm lonely for walks with Jesus, hand in hand. I'm lonely for my mansion.  I'm excited for my angel's wings. I'm lonely for the praise that will be sung. I'm lonely for the beauty that will be there. I'm lonely for the peace and perfection of it all. I'm excited to sit with Kings David and Hezekiah and hear of their faith and adventures. I'm excited to ask Noah if they took extra flies to feed the two spiders (real question from a kiddo the other night). I'm lonely for my Father and Creator.  I'm lonely for my Saviour and my Friend.

I need to keep this all in perspective.

How 'bout you? Where are you homesick for?

Monday, April 9, 2012

Moonlight, Fires, and Blossoms

The warm winter and spring we have had has been a delight to us all. 

Except those who rely on nature for their livelihood.

The trees in the orchard blossomed early this year.  Too early.

If there was no frost then it wouldn't necessarily matter that the blossoms came early; it would only be an early crop.

Alas, the frost did not stay away.

To keep the frost from killing the blossoms we had to keep them warm. 

There are many methods of keeping the blossoms from the frost, but with the size of orchard I work for, setting fires through the trees for warmth is the most efficient/effective way.

The first frost came in the early morning of March 27th.  I wanted to help set the fires so bad. 

I had read about this in a book a few years ago and never realized they still used smoke and fire to fight frost.

I only have one chance at life and want to experience all I can while I am alive. 

I wanted to experience this.

I didn't help them do the fires the morning of the 27th. (You have to start at 4 am and with being a single mom...this isn't a convenient thing).

I told my mom I was disappointed and she said if it happens again she would keep the kids for me.

Unfortunately for the farmers, the frost came again. 

They were planning on Friday for the next morning.  I asked my boss if I could come help.  I think he was a bit surprised that I actually wanted to do it. 

Saturday morning came early.

A text came at 3:22 am with a 'get up and get going' message. 

I was at the orchard at 3:50 am, ready to go. 

They handed me lighter fluid and a lighter. 

I was to go out with the group of guys and start fires. 

It was a full moon and absolutely amazingly beautiful.  I think God comes to earth to walk through an orchard on nights where there is a full moon.  It's that peaceful.

As we walked through the peach trees, we would stop and slice open a bag of charcoal.  We would dump diesel or lighter fluid on it and flick the lighter.  

We continued to do this until all the bags were lit; then going back to make sure each bag was still burning brightly.

After finishing the first grove of trees we walked to the other side of the orchard to the other area of peach trees and started setting those charcoal bags on fire.

From what I understand, we were more concerned about the peach trees than the apple blossoms.  The apple blossoms were just starting to come out and they are more resilient to cold than the peach blossoms. 

Through the lanes of the orchard and around the perimeter were large bonfires set.  Two guys were driving around in a pickup throwing on more wood and straw to keep the fires going strong and smoke billowing. 

What amazed me is how much heat all the fires actually generated.  Walking through the trees you could almost consider it warm.  I was really surprised how much heat charcoal can generate. 

There are also 3-4 windmills that were roaring in the night.  The moving air keeps the frost from settling on the trees as well as keeping the heat moving through the trees.  They were so loud; sounding like helicopters.  I'm sure the neighbors were thrilled at the noise and the smell of smoke.

The moon gently lit through the trees making it easy to see our way.  As the sun came up we knew this was the crucial time.  It is coldest right before dawn and is also when the frost starts to settle.  The danger time is right at dawn; when the sun hits the frost burning and killing the blossom. 

We had done all we knew to do and was making sure the fires were burning brightly.  We stood and watched as the sun came up. 

All I can say is if anyone ever has the opportunity to sit in an orchard and watch the sun rise, take the opportunity.  The view is breath taking. 

See the beehives?  Ready for pollinating the fruit.

If you look closely, you can see the hot bed of coal between the trees.

If it wasn't so stressful with the thought of losing a crop, the night could be called enjoyable.  I love everyone I work with and we worked hard and worked together. 

My only regret is not taking my good camera (I used my cell for these) and getting better pictures.

I probably will never get another chance to spend a few hours walking in the moonlight in an orchard and watching the sun rise. 

From what I understand, we had a successful night and the loss of blossoms was minimal!