Homesickness

I am homesick.
For home.

For a home that is not yet my home.

I ask myself: "Self. How can you be homesick for a place that has never been your home?"

I say back to myself "Self. I don't know. I just am."

Absurd? Maybe. But I'm still homesick. Stomach hurt. Heartache. Chest pains.  

Just.plain.homesick.

I remember a few years ago, before I was making plans to move to New England  I saw a car with Connecticut license plates turn in front of me at the crossroad near our school. 

Tears starting streaming down my face.  I wanted to follow that car east, towards home. 

At the time I was surprised.  The tears took me off guard.  I hadn’t realized the desire to move was still there.  But it was.  At the time they were buried.  They had to be.  I had no hope of escaping the prison I was in.  Thankfully God rescued me from the prison of an abusive marriage and is giving me another chance to move home.   

I still cry with loneliness sometimes.  But now when they come I am not surprised as I was that morning.  I’m just heartsick.

I’m sure most people will think I am crazy and a bit odd for having these feelings.  Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.  Either way the feelings are still present.  I’m ready to go home.

I fight these feelings off and on. More recently more on than off.

I'm just ready to be home.

The other night Riley said "Mom. I hope tomorrow is the end of the world. I just can't wait to see Jesus."

His comment made me realize that I am homesick for the wrong place. I should have the same longing for my true home in heaven.

I do think of this at times, but not like I think of my home in Connecticut.

My heart is so lonely for the friends there who are my family, the special people who have stood by me through so much~advising through the big things and the little things, for the beautiful rolling hills and the fertile valleys.  I'm homesick for the rocky beaches.  I'm homesick for the cities and the traffic.  I'm just homesick for it all.

Why don't I think more of what is to come in heaven. When was the last time I thought "I just can't wait to see Jesus face to face"? I've become completely burdened with the day to day routine that I have become consumed.

Now my list differs a bit. I'm lonely for walks with Jesus, hand in hand. I'm lonely for my mansion.  I'm excited for my angel's wings. I'm lonely for the praise that will be sung. I'm lonely for the beauty that will be there. I'm lonely for the peace and perfection of it all. I'm excited to sit with Kings David and Hezekiah and hear of their faith and adventures. I'm excited to ask Noah if they took extra flies to feed the two spiders (real question from a kiddo the other night). I'm lonely for my Father and Creator.  I'm lonely for my Saviour and my Friend.

I need to keep this all in perspective.

How 'bout you? Where are you homesick for?