I hope this post doesn't come across as complaining. That is not my intent of this post. My intent of this post is to find some relief from the tightness in my chest. To release some of the frustration and anxiety. If you don't want to hear frustration and anxiety...don't read any further.
School let out for the kids a few weeks ago. I felt as though I was juggling the change fairly well. This afternoon it all came crashing down. I'm not sure what made it all fall, but the tightness in my chest returned and the feeling of slowly drowning into inky darkness appeared.
If I was going to list the causes, I'm not sure which one would be first. They all feel like they belong in the number one spot. Each stress is fighting with the other to claim the role of number one. The battle to be practically perfect in every way isn't helping things either.
I have 6 more classes until I have my bachelors. The class I am in now is tough. Tough as in I spent more time last week in the class then I did in the previous 5 weeks combined. And that's just week one.
I'm testing out of Humanities. Sounds fun, right? Its not. Thankfully, I have an awesome friend who lent me all the books I need and understands when I am ready to cry. Studying literature, music, art and architecture just doesn't seem urgent right now...yet somehow it must be done.
I just filed some legal things. Things that will release so much stress when they are over. In the meantime? Worry.Fear.Wondering. I have assurance from my lawyer that it will go smoothly, that I will win everything I am filing. I feel peaceful about doing this, but still am afraid of the can of worms I could be potentially opening. I need to leave this in God's hands and trust my lawyer. In time I'll get into the legal stuff and explain more; for now the details need to be quiet.
I have two potential buyers. One very interested and another slightly interested. I have a few more projects to do to get it up to their satisfaction. Doesn't seem like much but it is. It will take time. And time is something I am seriously lacking. Along with a truck :-\...VW Jetta's aren't built for hauling things....
With the legal stuff and the house stuff combined it adds up to an interesting problem. I want the house to sell of course; but I found out when I filed the legal stuff that I have to stay in the state until it is over. Which could be in February or March...which means I'll have to find a place to rent. Not too tragic, but its adding a bit of stress of the unknown to my kiddos...add that to the stress of the legal things I'm filing and they are a bit on edge.
The kids are overwhelmed with stress too. At least Riley is. The last time he saw his dad (14 months ago) he was told that "he is now the man of the house, to take care of us". That is too much for an 8 year old to handle. Honestly? I wanted to smack his dad when he said that. I knew that comment would haunt Riley and would be a negative impact on his entire childhood. A year later he still carries the burden. I have told him countless times that he is not to carry this burden. That God is taking care of us and we have no worries!! But because he is a child he doesn't react to stress well. An adult will try and find a solution. A child just acts out with bad behavior. And its getting out of control.
14 months ago the kids saw their dad for the last time. I had a feeling at the time that he was leaving for good, but the kids didn't. I thought this past year they had been healing. Now I realize they were hoping. Just recently it has sunk in that he is not coming back. The feeling of rejection and abandonment has finally sunk in. With hope you can get through anything. Hopelessness is a hard feeling to cope with.
Hopelessness, abandonment, and rejection bring out the worst behavior in children. I'm trying so hard to be patient. By the grace of God, I hope I am showing my kids grace. I'm walking the tightrope walk of giving my children mercy and discipline. I can't let them get away with bad behavior...but if they are acting out because they are hurt then they need mercy and love. I'm terrified if I go over that razor thin line I will mess them up for good. Their dad has given them deep, deep scars. They don't need even the slightest ones from their mom.
I pray that this isn't coming across as complaining. Its more a release from the tension.
And a cry for prayers.