Thirty-Two

Today I am Thirty-Two.

I was dreading this day. 

I always thought by the time I was Thirty-Two I would have my life together...all figured out.

Instead, I am a single mom of three children, going to school, working, trying to move out of state, etc.

My life is the exact opposite of 'together' and 'all-figured out'.

I had been really struggling with this.

Then I spoke with a friend who is a bit older and a lot wiser.

Her comments were "A woman in her thirties is having an inner battle.  She knows she has her responsibilities, but also still knows there is a girl inside of her who reminds her of her youth that is now past."

That comment made such sense to me.  It summed up the feelings I was having.

I know I have responsibilities.  I juggle work, school, kids, selling a house, looking for a job, a cookie shop, etc. etc. and so forth. 

I know responsibilities.

But what I couldn't shake off was the feeling of still wanting to be a girl.  To be carefree, fun loving and imaginative.  I have so many regrets from my twenties. And this only makes growing older harder.

I can only weep when I think of the consequences I now have from my choices.

But I decided that I wasn't going to let the girl inside of me die.  The stress of my life very well could destroy her. 

But I'm not going to let that happen.

• I like to sit on my roof and stare at the moon.  Sometimes I'll treat myself to a hot drink. And just sit and stare.  Often I pray.  Or I talk out loud to no one in particular.  It's so peaceful and serene. 

One thing I appreciate about being in my thirties is that I quit caring what others think of me.  As long as I am at peace with God, I am no longer concerned what others think.  It is so freeing.  I wish I had that in my twenties. I am who I am, oddities and all.

• I do a cartwheel every week.  Just to make sure I still can.

Growing up, I knew a lady (who I thought at the time was old...she was probably late twenties) who could still do a cartwheel.  At a young age I was determined to be able to do when when I was old.  And I still can. Thankyouverymuch.

• I sing and dance with my kids.  Wooden spoons make great microphones.

There is nothing better than to bust out in song, slide across the wood floor, and dance with little kids.

• I have silly, giggly, secrets with my best girl.

We laugh without caring and until our stomachs hurt.  We have secrets and can read each others minds.  We poke fun and tease.  I can call her day or night.  For anything. 

• I want to take tap dance lessons.

But I probably won't get too. 

I was dreading this weekend.  I was dreading turning one year closer to mid-thirties and then onto my forties. 

I realize now the fear was unreasonable. 

I'm thankful to be alive.  I get to be a mom.  I get more chances to laugh.  I get more chances to help others. 

Instead of worrying about the girl in me dying away; I'm just going to nurture her and make sure she always stays alive.