I was dreading this day.
I always thought by the time I was Thirty-Two I would have my life together...all figured out.
Instead, I am a single mom of three children, going to school, working, trying to move out of state, etc.
My life is the exact opposite of 'together' and 'all-figured out'.
I had been really struggling with this.
Then I spoke with a friend who is a bit older and a lot wiser.
Her comments were "A woman in her thirties is having an inner battle. She knows she has her responsibilities, but also still knows there is a girl inside of her who reminds her of her youth that is now past."
That comment made such sense to me. It summed up the feelings I was having.
I know I have responsibilities. I juggle work, school, kids, selling a house, looking for a job, a cookie shop, etc. etc. and so forth.
I know responsibilities.
But what I couldn't shake off was the feeling of still wanting to be a girl. To be carefree, fun loving and imaginative. I have so many regrets from my twenties. And this only makes growing older harder.
I can only weep when I think of the consequences I now have from my choices.
But I decided that I wasn't going to let the girl inside of me die. The stress of my life very well could destroy her.
But I'm not going to let that happen.
- I like to sit on my roof and stare at the moon. Sometimes I'll treat myself to a hot drink. And just sit and stare. Often I pray. Or I talk out loud to no one in particular. It's so peaceful and serene.
One thing I appreciate about being in my thirties is that I quit caring what others think of me. As long as I am at peace with God, I am no longer concerned what others think. It is so freeing. I wish I had that in my twenties. I am who I am, oddities and all.
- I do a cartwheel every week. Just to make sure I still can.
- I sing and dance with my kids. Wooden spoons make great microphones.
- I have silly, giggly, secrets with my best girl.
- I want to take tap dance lessons.
I was dreading this weekend. I was dreading turning one year closer to mid-thirties and then onto my forties.
I realize now the fear was unreasonable.
I'm thankful to be alive. I get to be a mom. I get more chances to laugh. I get more chances to help others.
Instead of worrying about the girl in me dying away; I'm just going to nurture her and make sure she always stays alive.