Monday, September 30, 2013
'K. So I've been silent for too long. I apologize for that.
Many of my sweet readers have come to me and asked "So what's going on? You just left us waiting!"
I'm finally ready to write...
And I finally have a minute to write.
Last post I wrote about getting a job here, in Ohio, at a hospital.
What I didn't write was everything else.
For now, I'm just going to plan on staying in Ohio. Give up on the move to Connecticut.
The reason I haven't written about it here is that I'm still wrapping my mind around the idea.
I'm still a little anxious about the feedback I will get from others.
I'm a little irritated with myself for worrying about what others comments will be regarding things that are between God and myself. I just have to remember what C.S. Lewis wrote in 'The Horse and His Boy' in a conversation between Aslan and Shasta. Aslan told Shasta "Its not your story" when Shasta asked him about something that happened regards to someone else. This is my journey. Mine between God and myself. There have been things that happened that I don't share. Things that I simply ponder in my heart and keep close. I know that there will be those who only know one piece of the story and will judge me. That's fine. But remember, its not your story to know all the details about...its mine.
I know without a doubt in my mind that God told me to move. There have been entirely too many AMAZING things that have happened while I was mentally preparing to move.
I'm going to list a few things. Not for proof for others, but as a reminder to myself.
The first amazing thing (and such a huge impact that if it were the ONLY thing it would still be worth it) is that I have a father-figure in my life again. I lost my dad almost 13 years ago. I needed a father-figure in my life. Someone who will cheer me on, someone who will defend me. Someone that when I get to see them, I can't pretend things are good because he can see right through it, and calls me out on it. Someone who has told me that no matter what he will still love me. Someone who tells me they worry about me like he does his own kids, and as much as I tell him to not worry, he still does.
That's what I needed and that is what I now have.
That relationship would never have been built if I hadn't attempted to move. And that relationship will last even though I don't move to New England.
The second thing is I probably wouldn't have changed our last name. When I look back and remember that for months I couldn't decide if it was the right thing to do or not, it makes me laugh. It now is so obvious that is was the absolute right thing to do. I cannot begin to describe how healing it has been. Even though its almost been a year since my name was changed (10 months for the kids), I still am in awe at how different we are. We are now 'us'. We are our own family. There are no missing pieces. We are just the four of us.
When I put my boys' football jerseys over their shoulder pads and I see the last name across their backs, it makes me smile.
Nothing can change that name.
No one can take that away from us. We will always be identified by something good.
The third thing is that I proved to myself I'm tough enough. I've had labels put on me my entire life. I've fought to have those labels removed, but no matter what some people like to keep those labels on me and refuse to see that they are false. I know I will never change their perspective of me. I will always be what the label reads that they chose to slap on me. What I needed to change my perspective of me and not believe those labels put on by others are truth but a lie.
The moment my perspective changed was when I successfully survived four interviews in two hours. Sitting in a corner office, in a large building in an amazing company, in downtown Hartford. After they were completed, I drove home the ten hours, with three kids, woke up early the next morning and went to work. And I didn't mentally crack.
Some could argue and say it wasn't actual success because I didn't get either of the positions they were interviewing me for. BUT. I was given verbal job offers for both jobs. It was HR who closed the positions. I was okay when I was called and told both positions were closed. It wasn't anything personal against me. I believe God had me go through those to simply allow me to finally rip the labels others placed on me.
There are more things that happened. I just wanted to hit the highlights and have record of them for myself when I get discouraged.
There is more to tell.
I'll write again soon.
Its my first 'day' to myself in weeks. I start a different shift today, so I have a few hours to myself during the day. The adjustment is going to be difficult on my kids and I worry about that. But we will be okay.