Monday, October 29, 2012

Ten Years

I was going to write what I am going to write today back in September on our 10th anniversary.  (Do your anniversaries still add up even though you haven't seen him in almost 2 years? :o)

Anyhow.  The 28th of September was our 10th (and last I might add) anniversary. 

Tomorrow is our divorce.

I'm not really sad over it.  I know I should be.  And I probably would be if my situation was different.  How can I mourn a marriage that was over before it started and how can I lament over his broken vows when I haven't seen him in so long. 


What I wanted to write about a month ago, but never found the words, is a warning to all my young readers.

I'll tell you what I told a young teenaged girl a few years ago.

"Don't date ANYONE you wouldn't be willing to marry."

(Right 'E.S.'?...Love you and hope to see you soon!)

I'm sure this sounds ridiculous, but trust me. 

I had met 'R' shortly before my dad died, but didn't pay him much attention.  He was just a face in the crowd.  The night my dad died, he stepped out of that crowd and promised me the world.  I had no plans of dating him or other future plans.  In fact, I had no future plans of living so I just started hanging around him. He kept money on the bar and that is what I wanted at the time. Pathetic? Yep. Wrong? Yep.  But its what happened.

Days led to weeks and weeks led to months.  I was miserable...too depressed to even carry out my plan of my own suicide...I couldn't see living without my dad and had plans to eventually follow his lead.  But I just kept putting it off and kept drinking.  Not the wisest choices.

Fast forward from March '01 to September '02.  Somehow, seeming like a blink of an eye, it was the morning of my wedding.  I remember walking down the aisle thinking " How did I get here?"  I just didn't see anyway out.

That morning 'R' had screamed at me over wedding pictures. It was over the phone, so no one heard, and I just sweetly smiled during the conversation. I had already learned how to fake a smile.

At the altar I couldn't even look him in the eyes.  I was scanning the crowd around the gazebo in the park, looking for someone I could escape to.  No one was there.  

Once Riley was born things actually were good for awhile.  The first year was great.  I was surprised and happy.  I thought there was a slight chance we might actually make it as a family.

Then came babies 2 and 3 and I think it was just too much for him to handle.  He was not capable of faking being a good husband and father with three little ones.  He eventually started back into drugs.  Started with pills, then cocaine, and who knows what else.

From there most of you know the rest of the story.

I'm writing this post with the intent of  begging young girls (and guys) to be so very careful who you date or associate with.

I realize that my story had so many complications and issues that most of you won't face. 

But if you can't see them with you, at 80, sitting on your front porch swing holding your hand, then don't date them.

I hope this saves a thousand girls' from abusive relationships.  And if you are already in one, you CAN get out.  You can escape, you can survive without them, you can defeat their chains of abuse, and you will rise above it.  You don't need to be strong, because God will be strong for you. Just be safe.  I know that fear all too well.  

Tomorrow as I sit in divorce court, breaking that final chain off, I won't mourn my choices anymore.  I will embrace them.  Instead of hating myself for it, I will choose to tell others about it, warn young girls about how the choices they make as teens will affect them as adults.

I'll close with one thing....pray, pray, pray about who you are to be with.  Even before that first date.  God made you and God made them.  He knows you better than you do and He knows them better than they (or you:o) do.  He knows what you need and He knows what they need. 

I knew I was going against God when I married Randy and I paid the price.  I'm just thankful God is willing to help me pick up the pieces and create beauty out of ashes.


  1. Please go to and see how God changed Joy & Mark's marriage. With God ALL things are possible. With love, a sister-in-CHRIST, DeAnna

    1. Thanks for the link DeAnna! Thankfully with God all things ARE possible. I'm not hoping for a revival of our marriage...I'm sure that sounds horrible, but too much abuse happened. I have forgiven him, but need to move on for my children and my emitional well being. I've decided to be content with my situation and let Gods strength shine through my weakness. I am always amazed at reconciled marriages, but also know sometimes its okay to recognize when its best to find closure.