Friday, November 2, 2012

Alone in this.

I've been waiting for the tough emotions to come.  I'm not trying to create something that doesn't need to be; but I'm aware that they may come.  With this thought it hit me Wednesday night.  I'm doing this parenting thing all alone. 

I know I have God to help me.  And He has. And I'm thankful.  But trust me, its not the same :o).

I was sitting in the hallway reading our nightly chapter of Laura Ingalls Wilder and all three children were tucked in.  They were softly breathing, listening, and taking it all in.  When it hit me.  Its just them.And me.  From here on out.

I was waiting for the anxiety to consume me at the thought of raising these children alone.  But it didn't.  Instead a feeling of freedom, a lightness in my chest, a feeling of desire to succeed in this. 

I know I have been doing this alone for over 3 years now.  So that part shouldn't have taken me by surprise.  I do remember telling my mom, about a month into it that I feel like I should be perfect at it.  I shouldn't be making the mistakes I was making.  I shouldn't be so tired.  She told me that I was still new at give myself time to figure out what works and what doesn't.  That I was still emotionally spent from the drama 'R' was causing.  And that being a single mom is the single most hardest job there is.  

But Wednesday night I realized that I'm not new at this anymore.  Its become my life.  And it was a good thought.  While I have made plenty of mistakes the past three years, we did survive them and came out stronger in the end.

What felt different was I wasn't tied down anymore. 

Its still going to be tough.  Really tough.

It's like swimming the Atlantic without that 180 lb bag of weights strapped to your back.
It's still tough, but much easier without the baggage dragging you down. 

I'm going to stop waiting on the sad emotions to come.  I am going to put my energy towards giving my children the best childhood they can have, in spite of our circumstances.

I'm so excited for our future.  Its going to be so good.

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