Like Me

This one is a tough one.  But one that is due to be written about.  He has asked why I haven't written about him yet.  And the answer is a hard one to explain. 

I have three children.  I love them all equally. Differently, because each child is so different, but equally.  This reasoning makes my feelings towards him hard to put into words. To fully explain my heart when I think of him.

He is my first. Which is why there are these emotions attached to him.  In a sense he saved me.  Not like Christ saved my soul. As in he saved my life.  The months before I found out I was pregnant with him I was hitting rock bottom.  I no longer wanted to live. I had no reason to live.  I had lost my dad, my best friend. In my mind I had no reason to keep going.

But then I found out I had life growing inside of me.  I knew I had to pick myself up and live for him.  As soon as the pregnancy was realized, I knew it was a boy. And I was glad.  I knew his middle name would be 'Dale'.  For the father I had prematurely lost.  All bouts of depression left me and I was ready to change and prepare my heart and life for him. 

On November 11, 2002, my son~ my firstborn, Riley Dale was born.  He looked just like my dad. I could see it in the shape of his face. I cried and cried for the father I lost and for the grandpa my son would never know.  It was a bittersweet moment.  My heart was breaking while mourning the loss of my father and his absence at his first grandchild's birth.  But rejoicing in my newborn son and how precious he was.

Six weeks after Riley was born, I gave my heart and life to Christ.  I knew that I wanted my son to do the same thing and if I didn't have Christ as Lord of my life, how could I expect my son to do the same?  I am not sure what would have happened to me had I not surrendered it all to Jesus.

As Riley grew, I began to see a resemblance of myself in him.  He thinks like me, acts like me, reacts like me and reasons like me.  I see my strengths in him, but I also see my weaknesses.  We love to read together.  I love getting the old classics and introducing him them to him.  I love how he says "use your voices, mom". And I do.  I love how he is known at the libraries as a boy who loves books. I love how he is known at church by the other mothers as a little boy who 'just loves babies'.  I love how he is so ornery and mischievous.  I love how he takes himself so seriously when he prays.  I love his wisdom in his prayers. I just love being. with him.

My prayer for Riley is that he can be the man God has made him to be.  I want to be the mother who prepares her sons to be men for Christ.  It is my duty to prepare them and teach them how to be leaders of their home someday.  It is a daunting task, and one that through the grace that is poured on me I will prayerfully succeed. 

Why was this so hard to write?  Because how do I put into words what he means to me?  Because how do I begin to explain the potential this child has? How do I write that in a tiny way he has filled parts of the hole in my heart left there from my dad? How do I write about how I love how fiercely protective he is of me? How do I write that I want to weep at the prayers he prays, and how wise they are? How do I write that I see him, with his strengths, someday being a warrior for Christ?  I don't know how to write it. I just know how to say one thing for sure.  I love him.