Mama's Sad Day

I wasn't sure if I should write about today.

But writing helps me heal.

So I chose to write.

March 27th. Mama's Sad Day.  At least that's what my kids call it.  I try to not be sad. But I can't help it. I.just.am.

March 27, 2001 my father passed away.  He was 47. I was 21.  I had a unique and close relationship with him. We just got each other.  It was hard to lose him.  Painfully hard. Words can't be uttered how painfully hard.

He would be 57 and I am 31.  How much has changed through this past decade.  I have overcome. I have fallen. I have made mistakes and I have had achievements.  This decade was the decade of my life where there were the most changes.  And he didn't get to walk me through them.  And I miss him.

Some of his last words sent to me were "get your life straight, Julie".  They were very few in number.  But I knew. I knew his heart. And I knew there were so many more words behind those few.

This year I am making some big choices. Really big choices.  And I often think. What would he think? Would he feel that I finally 'got my life straight'?   I hope he would.  I think he would.

I know he would rejoice that I went to the Lord in repentance and am serving Him faithfully each day.

I know he would be heartbroken knowing the abuse I went through with my marriage.

I know he would adore my children.  He would love them and my nieces like no other grandpa could.

I know he would be so proud that I am finishing my education.

I know he would still tickle me. And I would still get mad.

I know he would still pick me up and give me the biggest bear hugs. ever.

I know he would still love me. and even like me.  

I know we would still argue. Just for fun. And he would let me win.

I know we would still be friends.  Like only a father and daughter could be. 

I know I will never.ever. stop missing him.  'Cause I still need him.

10 years ago today I was woken to be told the news that my dad had passed away. An hour later I would be at the funeral home planning his funeral.

10 years ago today, my life as I knew it came to a crashing halt.

10 years ago today I didn't think I could live another day. And yet I did.

This morning was beautiful.  It was cold.frigid.crisp. Wind biting cold. I dropped the kids off at Sunday School. I told them I needed to go to the cemetery.  And they knew.  It was Mama's sad day.  And they understood.

I went to the cemetery. Dreading and yet needing.

I knew the landscape well.  I had spent many hours in this cemetery as a child planting flowers at ancestor's gravesides.  It is a beautiful cemetery.  Quiet.Peaceful.Sentimental.  A perfect setting for those who mourn.

I walked up to his grave. The path well known and fell to my knees in tears.  The ground was cold and hard.  And I wept.  For the years lost. And the lost future without him.  

As I laid on the ground weeping I cried out to my heavenly Father.  I needed comfort.  I had a request. A private request.  I looked up to the skies begging God for an answer. Telling Him I needed this one desire of my heart to be filled. In that instant the clouds broke open and the sun shone upon my face.  I knew then that God was telling me everything would be perfect in His time. 

When we were leaving church this afternoon, Rhianna skipped up to me and slipped her hand in mine. "Mama.  How was it? How was your time in the cemetery?"

I am so blessed.  So blessed to have children who know. And understand. That sometimes Mama needs to weep alone in the cemetery.  On her sad days.