Wednesday, July 11, 2012

In all honesty....

Not sure where to begin with this post.

I know what I want to say. 

I want to remain tactful. But it may not come out as such.

I’ll just start and see where it goes… 

I started this blog with the intent of having a place to find relief from the stress; a place where I could write of our adventures of living in a single parent household. In where the mom plays the part of the:


(Why does ^ not look like much written on paper…’cause in real-life I feel swamped :o, )

Anyhow, I had someone come to me and tell me they appreciate (I think they said appreciate) my ability to be ‘authentic’.  (Or maybe they were telling me to not be so honest…I am blunt at times) Hmmm…

I walked away from the conversation realizing how much I actually hold back from my true feelings.  I avoid writing about the intense frustrations and the hardships of being a single parent. I don’t want to become a negative person.  I want to be able to continue laughing my way through life.  But  sometimes my life has negative experiences.  I need to be able to be completely honest and write about it. Because I find relief in writing.

Why have I been so afraid to write so honestly?  Because someone told me once that it is my fault I am where I am.  That I chose to marry Randy.  I chose this for myself.  Merciful gal she was…(Insert sarcasm)  

Since then I have changed.
I have changed in that I try to always assume the best in others.
I imagine that they just might have had a horrible.awful.tragic. experience in their life.  And their decisions may be based on that.
I have changed in that I beat myself up.  
I tell myself that I do deserve this. 
I ask one thing from you. 
One thing I try and do every day of my life but am having a difficult time with:  
Forgive me~ Forgive the girl who made a bad decision. 
Forgive the girl who made a decision, at 21 years old, after her dad hung himself.

I can assure you this girl was not thinking of a future. 

This girl who didn’t plan to live to see a future.

And if you can’t forgive that girl, then avoid reading this..

If you don’t want to hear about the reality of life as a single parent, then avoid reading this.

I’m not going to turn this blog into a whine-fest.

I cannot stand negativity.

I’m not going to turn this blog into a place to look for pity.

I cannot stand people who play the victim.

I am going to turn this blog into a place where the reality of my life is spoken.

I need an outlet.

I am going to be more honest.  I need that for myself. 

Things have been tough lately.  Really, really, really tough. 

And I need to be able to write about them.

I need to be able to be honest about them.


1 comment:

  1. Well, I for one have always appreciated your thoughts. Hang in there, friend. Be as honest as you want....I like hearing your thoughts. It helps me know how to be a better friend to you. <3 you!!