Search me, O God, and know my heart

'Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.' Psalm 139 23-24

Have you ever prayed this prayer? 

I have always been too afraid.

I mean, seriously. 

It is asking God to openly reveal all our weaknesses and  things about us that need fixing up.

And that's scary.

I remember a friend telling me that she deeply prayed this to God, she wanted to make sure that she was truly in line with His Word and had complete faith and confidence in Him.

Soon some struggles came and forced her to prove her faith out.

When she told me that I remember thinking "Well. I'll never pray that prayer!  I have so many weaknesses that surely I would fail if I asked God to try my heart."

Wasn't that seriously pathetic and terrible to even think that???

Fast forward years later to this past month.

All my readers know that things are kinda tough around here.

I felt led to pray about moving over 3 years ago.

2.5 years ago, after much praying and seeking, I decided to pursue moving.

I seriously thought I would have been living in Connecticut for almost 2 years by now.

But God has had other plans.

Going through the waiting?  It was rough.

I'm still waiting.

But looking back over the past 3 years I have nothing but praise and thanksgiving to give to God.

When I look back I see a tornado of things that happened.  Tremendous growth: spiritually and emotionally.

In those years I have been able to forgive Randy and find peace with the situation.  I have been able to forgive the 21 year old girl that I was who made some pretty bad decisions, I have found closure with a few relationships that needed closure, I have established relationships and they have grown into a deep trust that I couldn't have imagined having 3 years ago but depend on deeply now. 

Many wonderful things have happened. And through that I am so thankful for God's timing, provisions, and Him not answering my pleading prayers to just let me move every time I stomped my foot.

This past month has been different.

The new birth certificates came in the mail.  I was able to get the new Social Security cards. 

Things feel like they are wrapping up. 

I don't know the future.

So maybe things aren't wrapping up.  They just feel like they are.

I could have another 3 years of things to work through before I move. 

But I know one thing.

The prayer of 'Search me, O God, and know my heart' has been literally rolling in my head.

Like one of those songs you can't get rid of...just going round and round and round..and the only way to get rid of them is to sing it, really loud.

While I work, I pray "Search me, O, God.  Show me. What else needs to be done.  Is my heart clean or is there more wickedness that needs cleared out".

When I kneel by my bed, I pray "Search me, O, God. Show me." 

I used to be terrified to pray this prayer.

Now I can pray it in peace.  I have a deep desire for God to search my heart and to show me.  To reveal to me what I need to do to make me more like Him. 

Of course, as expected, things appear.

Thoughts appear, things that could discourage me. 

But I am going to continue to pray that God will truly show anything in my heart that needs cleansing and purifying.  And then help me do the cleansing. 

I'm no longer afraid to pray that prayer. 

It is relieving to pray that prayer.

God is good.

ALL the time. 

And for that I am thankful.