Saturday, February 22, 2014

Missing Him

Anyone who has lost anyone special to them knows that something, anything, anytime, can trigger memories of that person.

That is so often with my dad.

Things that you think would make me miss him doesn't.

While things that you think wouldn't do.

Not sure what made me ache for him tonight, but something did.

I look at the many pictures of him on my refrigerator and am shocked that he is actually gone.

This feeling surprises me.

He's been gone 13 years.

Thir.teen. very, very long.long. years.

And I realize that I'm surprised I've made it this far without him, but wonder if I can survive tomorrow without him.

I'm surprised how much I am starting to resemble him.  I have always looked like my mom, but have the personality of my dad.  But I see myself in his pictures.  And that makes me miss him even more.

Maybe it was the email I received tonight. The email telling me they are scheduling me for interviews for a a place I could only dream of getting in to.  Maybe the idea that I can't call him and tell him. Maybe its knowing he isn't here to watch me follow my dreams. And succeed.  Maybe its just because I'm tired of being strong and I need him to pick me up and give me a bear hug and tell me how much he loves me.  Maybe I just am tired of missing him.  Maybe I'm just sick and tired of living life without him.


Many could argue with me, but I would always win this argument....he was the best.  Nothing will ever make me think differently about him.  He is my hero.  I looked up to him then.  And I look up to him now.

Even though 13 years later the pain is still unbearable, I wouldn't want to exchange him for anyone else.  I had the best dad in the entire world.  He loved me like no one else ever has or ever will and even though he broke my heart by leaving me here, I still love him more than anything and am so thankful I had the privilege of having him as my father.   So much of who I am is because of him and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I just wish he was here to see me now.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Julie. I understand in a way. I miss my cousin very, very much. I know it's not the same as losing a dad, but Taylor was like a brother to me. And I know too, what you mean, when even though the time has gone by, sometimes it springs up on you again. He's gone. And it feels like the first time you heard the news. Praying for you!