Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Who was I kidding???

2013 was too much.  By fall I was tired and was dealing with some things that were hard to deal with. I needed time to think and just pause from the race.  It was in my exhaustion I wrote this post about giving up on the move.

Who was I kidding?

I can't just give up.  I can't just stay.  This doesn't feel like home.

After I decided to just stay in Ohio, stop pursuing moving to New England, I lost all focus in life.  I fought through a horrible depression, bitterness, and frustration. I really didn't know what I wanted from life or where I was going.

 I was angry.

I was tired.

And maybe a little bit sad at what all happened.

I spent a lot of time talking with someone who knows me well.

They let me say what I felt and be honest about some things.

They let me pause for a moment.

Then came the subtle hints in some conversations.

"Have you been in contact with your contacts lately?"  "Reach out to them..see if things have changed and some positions are opening"

At first I was all "Uh..I'm giving up on that."  And then I was  "Maybe he sees something in me I don't see"  And then I thought I really, really want this!! I CAN do this!"

I took some time to think about it.  I went back through everything that happened over the past 3 years and realized that I was giving up.  Too soon.  I realized that God never told me to stop.  He clearly told me to go.  But He never told me to stop trying to go.  I had decided to stop trying because things weren't going my way.

I realized that life is short.  I have too many regrets already, why add more?  I have wanted to live in Connecticut since I was 13.  I had a chance when I was 20 and again at 22.  I regret both times not jumping at the chance.  How do I know that the doors aren't ready to be opened?  I only know one thing for sure...and the idea of not moving, simply staying, wasn't working.  

I slowly started reaching out to some contacts I had met over the past year.  I was also introduced to another person who sits in a position that will allow me to meet more people with abilities to help jump start my career.  

After a couple email conversations with this new contact and setting up some phone appointments, we finally connected.  We spoke on the phone for awhile and hit it off.  She wants to introduce me to a few more connections and has some ideas of some placements for me.

Of course they are just ideas.  Just something that she thinks would be a good fit.  Nothing certain.

This too could all fall through.

But its another connection.  Its another player in the game.

There are many facets to this idea that I can't quite spell out just yet.  I'll share as they unfold.

I'm flying to CT in the next few weeks.  I have a few meetings scheduled already with a few more to be scheduled.  

I'm nervous, but excited.  Maybe even a little scared.  I don't know what will be around the corner for me, but I'm ready to face it head-on.   

I'm going about this differently this time.  Before it felt like a race.  I had to get there and get there as quickly as I could.  This time I'm patient about it.  I'm not rushing, I'm not racing.  I'm simply moving forward with the idea that I will live there someday. 

Hopefully sooner, rather than later, of course :-)  

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