Can I be honest?

Can I be honest about the real reason I'm anxious about getting this job?

There are the obvious reasons:

• I need a job {other than the hundred part time jobs I currently work}
• We are ready to move.  Ready on so many different levels.

But the scariest thought of not getting the job is the reaction I will have.

I can read in the Bible that God wants good for me.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing it. 

There.  I said it.

I'm sure many of you will gasp in shock that I would think it, let alone admit it.

Trust me, its not something I'm proud about.  

***
Today I was listening to a sermon and he said:

"If you are a believing Christian who still has anxieties, then those anxieties are about things you haven't totally surrendered to God. Things you are keeping control of."

I did the whole "Pfff..what do you know.  My nature is to always be anxious about things.  I can't help it to be anything but anxious about everything, all the time."

Then I thought about it.  If I have a deep seeded doubt that God truly does have good for me, then of course everything will make me anxious.

Especially this job thing.

I want to find ways to make sure I get it.  Make sure it happens before the kids start school.  Make sure that it happens when and how I want it to happen.

I'm pleading with God to make it happen. 

And still I'm hanging on to the control of getting the job.

Do you ever do this?  Or am I the only irrational one?

The minister went on to say that we will never be fully at peace until we let God completely have our burdens.  We need to hand it to Him and let Him keep it.  We shouldn't keep checking in on Him to make sure He still has control over it.

Instead we need to thank Him for taking the burden from us. 

Then I realized that I do only pray asking God to make sure I get this job.  I'm 'checking in' on Him many, many times throughout the day.  Instead I need to thank Him many, many times a day for taking that load off of me.

***
This is going to be a struggle for me.  It's going to be hard to let it go completely.

But on second thought...its been a rather enjoyable evening to be relaxed instead of uptight and grumping at my kids.

There might be some truth to the letting God have it :-)